Tuesday 30 April 2019

Pakistani batsmen's batting vows (or woes whatever)

Shaheen helping Fakhar with his vows


Following a tweet from Left Arm Phast, here is how Pakistani batsmen's batting vows - if they start taking them - look like.

Fakhar Zaman: I vow to face the pain of the ball rattling my helmet or pinning my chest when I go for a pull shot instead of top-edging it in the fine-leg's hands. I promise with the middle of my bat that I'll be with this white bride. And no matter how hard it is, I'll try to look less fidgety than Steve Smith.

Imam ul Haq: I'll look to rotate the strike unlike my uncle and support Fakhar, for ever and ever and ever, and won't slog before Fakhar. I will try to keep my numbers to myself and let people find out on their own. With or without ICC's approval, I'll put earbuds in my ears and avoid running into the crowd with a bat in my hand.

Babar Azam: From the moment I come to bat, I will try to see every bowler as Steyn even if he thinks that I only had a good series. After dealing with the hardships of tight-length bowling, I will not get out on a part-timer's half-tracker or on a leggie's filth. With my hands open as a wide ocean, I welcome slog-sweep into my life.

Harris Sohail: I've heard my heart repeatedly saying, "convert your forties/fifties into hundreds". I am a heart-listener and can clearly differentiate between the voice of my heart and a ghost's. Even with my lazy elegance, I'll make sure that the scoreboard keeps tickling.

Sarfraz Ahmed: Whether boys play well or not, I'll play my best hand. I know doing splits is a good thing but will avoid doing 'em in the middle of the pitch for the sake of the team. I promise to keep the flame of match-finishing alive in my heart.

Shoaib Malik: I vow to play pacers like spinners' brothers and be ready for bumpers. I will stop myself to play a tennis-forehand against pacers. No matter where they are, I'll look for the high balls, find them, and catch them and won't repeat the thing Saeed Ajmal did to me.

Muhammad Hafeez: I vow that I will not open the I-am-an-opener box and will gleefully play at any batting position. They say finishing a match is an art. I'll prove it. 

Imad Wasim: I vow to support Hafeez bhai in the ups and downs, in health and in illness. I bring the ball into the batsmen, but I'll try to send it out of the stadium to make people feel good. I know it's hard but I'll better my fitness, avoid Afghanis and will only be in love with the Shape of Me.