Tuesday, 30 April 2019

Pakistani batsmen's batting vows (or woes whatever)

Shaheen helping Fakhar with his vows

Following a tweet from Left Arm Phast, here is how Pakistani batsmen's batting vows - if they start taking them - look like.

Fakhar Zaman: I vow to face the pain of the ball rattling my helmet or pinning my chest when I go for a pull shot instead of top-edging it in the fine-leg's hands. I promise with the middle of my bat that I'll be with this white bride. And no matter how hard it is, I'll try to look less fidgety than Steve Smith.

Imam ul Haq: I'll look to rotate the strike unlike my uncle and support Fakhar, for ever and ever and ever, and won't slog before Fakhar. I will try to keep my numbers to myself and let people find out on their own. With or without ICC's approval, I'll put earbuds in my ears and avoid running into the crowd with a bat in my hand.

Babar Azam: From the moment I come to bat, I will try to see every bowler as Steyn even if he thinks that I only had a good series. After dealing with the hardships of tight-length bowling, I will not get out on a part-timer's half-tracker or on a leggie's filth. With my hands open as a wide ocean, I welcome slog-sweep into my life.

Harris Sohail: I've heard my heart repeatedly saying, "convert your forties/fifties into hundreds". I am a heart-listener and can clearly differentiate between the voice of my heart and a ghost's. Even with my lazy elegance, I'll make sure that the scoreboard keeps tickling.

Sarfraz Ahmed: Whether boys play well or not, I'll play my best hand. I know doing splits is a good thing but will avoid doing 'em in the middle of the pitch for the sake of the team. I promise to keep the flame of match-finishing alive in my heart.

Shoaib Malik: I vow to play pacers like spinners' brothers and be ready for bumpers. I will stop myself to play a tennis-forehand against pacers. No matter where they are, I'll look for the high balls, find them, and catch them and won't repeat the thing Saeed Ajmal did to me.

Muhammad Hafeez: I vow that I will not open the I-am-an-opener box and will gleefully play at any batting position. They say finishing a match is an art. I'll prove it. 

Imad Wasim: I vow to support Hafeez bhai in the ups and downs, in health and in illness. I bring the ball into the batsmen, but I'll try to send it out of the stadium to make people feel good. I know it's hard but I'll better my fitness, avoid Afghanis and will only be in love with the Shape of Me.

Sunday, 21 April 2019

Yasir Shah in a Friendzone

Wanna give rest to your main players? Call Yasir Shah.

Wanna swap any player? Call Yasir Shah.

Wanna try something new? Call Yasir Shah.

Wanna try something old (and formerly tested)? Call Yasir Shah.

Had a breakup? Call Yasir Shah.

Caught cold? Call Yasir Shah.

Many problems, one solution. Yasir Shah.

Pakistan cricket was hit by the news of Shadab's disease yesterday for which he's been ruled out of the England series. And the selectors have gone for Yasir Shah as his replacement.

After checking him in the World Cup 2015, and most recently against Australia in UAE, they still have gone for him. It's like eating more than two Ghulab Jamun knowing they will make your stomach pay.

The PCB selectors' leniency towards Yasir Shah reveals only one thing that he's friendzone-d. Yasir hasn't made selectors happy with his performances but there is a bond. A connection. An unbreakable friendship. A sadiyon ka bandhan. 

Of course they had a few options in the leg-spinning department.

Usama Mir: but only his action resembles Adil Rashid's.

Fawad Ahmed: Because Australia hasn't picked him but he's an Aussie.

Ibtisam Sheikh: but he stopped wearing spectacles.

Muhammad Irfan: but his bowling action is like Shane Warne's.

Shahid Afridi: Believe it or not, this time his retirement decision looks serious and he might not take it back.

PCB could've also gone without a leg-spinner and picked a left-arm-orthodox instead. But I guess they don't want to copy Bangladesh. So what was the option? It was a guy in the friendzone who is looked upon to not disappoint but does. But that doesn't dent their relationship and it still is going on.

Thursday, 18 April 2019

Some takeaways from Pakistan's squad

The teams are almost ready as the World Cup is nigh. Most of the teams have announced their preliminary squads but they can change it until May 23rd without ICC's approval. It's like saying to your partner, "I love you but I can still cheat on you in the next 30 days".

Pakistan's squad has been announced with a few surprises. Here are some of the takeaways:

1- Amir gets the appropriate treatment and his dormancy theory ends

There is a phenomenon in the seeds of plants called seed dormancy. According to it, the seeds become inactive and cease their metabolic activity in unfavourable conditions and environment. When the favourable conditions return, they break the dormancy and start nourishing. 

Similar was the case of so-called Ladla (poppet), Amir. There was a theory revolving that Amir remains in dormant period and wait for the favourable conditions (the big match) and performs well according to some cricket pundits. 

While agreeing that he can trouble any top batsmen on his day, his current form was too fragile to have your bets on the theory. His swing has gone and his pace has decreased. Only five wickets at an average of 92 after CT in ODIs were kept giving the red light and mild sirens. He has a decent chance to prove himself against England in ODI series to replace someone in the World Cup squad.

2- The pace attraction

You may not expect, from Pakistan, a batsman who plays through the line, maintains his shape during his strokes, clip some balls from his legs perfectly but the thing you should expect from Pakistan is pace. Raw pace. Because (and as the name of a Pakistani podcast suggests) Pace is Pace Yaar. 

A country who has produced many great fast bowlers is to look up launch another fierce fast bowler. And it seemed clear that Husnain is picked on the same stipulations as Inzimam has stated in the press conference. 

Either that or Inzi has to reply this way to a reporter:

Reporter: What were the capabilities on the basis of which Husnain is picked in the World Cup squad?
Inzi: If you played 150 clicks, you would know.

3- Shinwari's Lobia comes second; Biryani overrules

Wasim Akram warned PCB management to not feed Biryani to players as it would not make them match-winning players. But a man whose diet is Lobia (beans) still doesn't get the chance.

It was for the lack of mental strength that he wasn't selected in his tours, overstepping at crucial times and losing his line-n-length. But he can still click 140+, has a booming inswinger that he shows with the new ball. 

There were also talks that if he oversteps a few more times, he will get the copyrights from Bumrah. And the cricket fraternity will use the cliche 'he's done a Shinwari' for the oversteppers. Even if it is Bumrah. 

4- Finish on a high or Good-Bye

Asif Ali is also in the Amir group which has to show something extraordinary in England series to get their world cup ticket. In T20s, especially in PSL, Asif Ali is recognized as a finisher and he's done it quite a few times. 

But in ODIs, Imad Wasim is expected to perform that role alongwith Hafeez. Asif has to bludgeon a good amount of sixes and show some brains in the last overs for the World Cup inclusion.

5- Selectors cut Imad some slack, advise him to refrain from Afghani Pulao

Imad has been given an edge despite failing fitness test due to his skills. He's developed some finishing touches to his batting down the order and can do enough with the ball when its moving in air. His economical, stump-to-stump bowling is also a reason behind his inclusion.

Currently he's having some aftershocks of the knee injury he suffered few months ago and is believed yo be fully fit around World Cup. He is also expected to bring some new celebrations to lighten up the world cup and also to inspire Ronaldo to copy those celebrations later on.

Sunday, 7 April 2019


Can't say NO to that.

Wednesday, 27 March 2019

Ramiz - the film writer-plus-director

It's the 49th over of the first innings. Shinwari has been brilliant with the ball with an economy of 3.75.

 He's not being the Shinwari who oversteps on the last ball and creates the drama in the family. He's in the mood of not teasing any member of the family. He's not being spanked.

Today, he's looking pacy on his short of length deliveries and inducing mistimed pull shots from the Aussies. 

He comes on to bowl his 9th over and present a length ball but on the off side. Carey's eyes spark. He wants to open the present by thwacking it towards the leg-side. He isn't even thinking that it may have glass in it which can break. 

The idea of opening the present teases his mind. As a result, he tries to open it a little bit early. 

The bat meets the ball with shyness and turns a little bit. The ball and the bat meet but timing isn't perfect. The ball hits the bat very low that a chunk of wood breaks from the bat and flies. The ball goes towards the mid-on but camera zooms foward. Slow-motion starts. The piece of wood takes off. It gains height and every fielder is looking at the ball. Camera pans horizontally to the right and zooms in more. 

The dead wooden mass backflips three times and starts projectiling towards the wicketkeeper, Rizwan. He is looking towards the ball and the wooden piece's sharp and pointed side is aiming Rizwan's shirt Collar. Rizwan comes a bit forward and his wet shirt detaches from his body and opens up at the collar area. The wooden piece goes in and stabs Rizwan's in his abs and tickles him. Rizwan bursts a big laugh with a sense of pain to it. He looks up. Every player looks at him and they all smile.

The ball returns to the pitch and bat proudly looks at it's missing piece. Slow-mo ends. 

"Cut", shouts Ramiz Raja and giggles so hard that his eyes squint saying, "That's called a movie scene. Proper bashing by me. I milked the scene. I'm just 55 years young".

Sunday, 24 March 2019

The way you caress my hair.....

When match is boring, entertain some other way....